


Adventures of The Husk Head

by Rinienne



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-08 01:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinienne/pseuds/Rinienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The husk head had been creeping Kaidan out since the very first day Shepard brought it, so the biotic decided to take the matter into his own hands. Not even realizing it, Kaidan started the most popular meme on board of the Normandy.<br/>Crack!fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adventures of The Husk Head

The first time Shepard noticed something off about the head of the husk was in the morning, two days after Vega had convinced him to bring the stupid thing on board.

That morning Shepard carefully removed himself from under the blanket, trying not to wake his bedmate and padded barefooted to the bathroom. He had already had time to start the shower, when he suddenly realized that just a moment ago he witnessed something out of place – the blue head, which he placed on his working desk, didn’t greet him with a high-pitched yell like it had been doing for the previous two mornings. Curious, Shepard peeked from the bathroom.

The bodiless thing turned towards the commander the moment his own head appeared from behind the bathroom door. It looked at the man with its glowing in the dim lights of the captain’s cabin eyes; the gaze filled with hatred like Shepard was personally responsible for its suffering.

But the head didn’t make a single sound.

The reason of its sudden quiet behavior was a piece of black material scrunched up into a ball and stuffed into the head's mouth. Shepard moved closer to the desk, trying to understand what the husk was gagged with. Was it a sock?

Shaking his head and giving a quick glance to his still sleeping lover, Shepard returned to the bathroom deciding not to dwell on the mystery of a black ball of fabric. Maybe with this new enhancement Kaidan would stop asking him to throw the thing out of the airlock.

Anyway, when did Kaidan even had time to stick a sock into its mouth, considering Shepard had his eyes glued to the major the entire evening?

***

The second 'modification' of the husk head happened about a week later. Shepard just returned from a meeting with the councilors and planned on heading up to his quarters to work on some reports, but was delayed in the mess hall by Joker who called the commander from the kitchen.

The Normandy’s pilot was standing in front of an open refrigerator grinning wide, like he personally had just discovered the way to defeat the Reapers and couldn’t wait to share his plan.

“I’m going to be the last one to complain,” he said not even turning his head away from the fridge, “but what the hell is that?”

Shepard glanced over the Joker’s shoulder dropping his jaw at the picture he saw. The refrigerator, which usually contained only basic supply of military rations, was now packed full with first grade groceries. There were two large heads of cheese, around six different salami sticks, two big pieces of smoked ham, a large glass jar of honey, a smaller jar of actual red caviar, a salmon salted whole and three bottles of wine, which by the look of it, couldn’t cost less than few thousands credits each.

“Where did it come from?” Shepard whistled.

“Wait, you mean that it wasn’t you?” The pilot surprised.

“Umm… I’d have to sell the Normandy to buy it all.” Shepard confessed picking the caviar jar to examine it.

“I hope it was a joke.” EDI said through the ship’s intercom.

As it was suspected, none-one from the crew took the responsibly for bringing the food. On another hand none-one from the crew minded the sudden present, especially after Doctor Chakwas confirmed that it was not poisoned and safe to consume.

Later on, when Shepard finally managed to return to his quarters he found a small note written on a piece of rice paper. There wasn’t a name mentioned anywhere, but the neat handwriting was very familiar.

 _Hey, Shep._  The note was saying.  _You can’t imagine what I just found in the refrigerator in Udina’s office. No-one even bothered to do anything with all these goods and it was such a waste! A dead man won’t need it anyway, and I won’t be able to eat it all alone, so I decided to share._

_PS: I think it is for the best if you won’t tell anyone where the food came from, because if you think about it too much, it might become creepy._

_PPS: But not as creepy as your new room decoration. I hope you will like my effort of fixing it._

Shepard placed the note back on the table and looked at the husk head. Still gagged with a piece of something black, it was glaring at him angrily from the desk. But even if it still looked like it wanted to murder the commander, it really didn’t look that intimidating anymore. Its glowing eyes now had a pair of fake long eyelashes glued to it and its eyelids were covered in bright-green eyeshades. The husk’s lips around the sock-thing were painted with purple lipstick and its cheeks were now having a pink tone.

“Really, Kasumi?” Shepard sighed looking around the empty room. “What are you, five?”

***

The next thing happened to the husk head was really Shepard’s fault. He should have known better than to invite Jack into the captain’s quarters. Well, maybe the mistake was not exactly in the fact that he invited Jack, as it was nice to spend some time talking to her, drinking that expensive wine Kasumi brought, listening to her stories about dumb kids who still were managing to forget how to raise a biotic shield right, so a single gust of wind wouldn’t tear it apart. No, it wasn’t a mistake at all.

Leaving her in his quarters on another hand was a big mistake.

Shepard had only needed to go down the engineering for a few moments as there was some sort of minor emergency. Nothing really bad and could have been taken care of without even the commander’s presence, but Shepard had always preferred to overseer these kind of things, and he trusted Jack enough to leave her for some time in his room. Well, at least he thought so.

When, only twenty minutes later, Shepard returned to his quarters, he found Jack standing over the husk head, grinning as she was looking down at her handiwork. Shepard moved closer to his friend noticing that she was holding a pocket-size tattoo gun in her hand, making some finishing touches on, well, a tattoo on top of the husk head.

The tattoo itself was featuring four letters:  **J.S.**  and  **K.A.** , with a plus sign between them. The letters were engraved into a heart with an arrow piercing it, which would make the tattoo look absolutely silly if the heart didn’t look so damn realistic. The arrow was also held in a fist, like someone was impaling it into the heart, and was coming out of an eye socket of a skull, resting in a pull of blood. How did Jack only managed to draw it all in twenty minutes was beyond Shepard’s understanding.

“Jack…” Shepard sighed, shaking his head. “Why?”

“Well, I knew you were banging a dude - which is kinda hot - but the things you’ve done with this head are totally gay.” She smirked.

“And this…” Shepard pointed at the tattoo, “is making it less gay?” He asked.

Jack looked at her work, then at the commander, then back at the tattoo. “Well, in my defense,” she said, “you’re banging a dude… which is kinda hot.”

***

But, if to think about it, Jack was probably the only one person who considered those ‘modifications’ too gay, because, a few days after the husk head acquired a brand new tattoo, Shepard noticed something else off in his quarters.

The moment he entered the room a sweet aroma of very feminine perfume struck him. It wasn’t a bad kind of perfume, and it actually smelled pretty nice, but the mere fact that Shepard could smell it in his quarters was weird.

The commander looked around the room trying to locate the source of the aroma. His eyes eventually settled on the object which had become a joke by simply existing – the husk head. Shepard walked to the abused thing, noticing that now it not only smelt like his communication specialist, but also obtained a pair of shiny earrings, descending from the husk's ears down to the table surface. The accessorizes were made of a very cheap imitation of gold and engraved with colorful stones made of glass.

New earrings and the perfume although didn’t prevent the head from gifting the commander with one of its deadly stares, but now the only thing the husk head could achieve by giving them was to make people laugh.

“So, specialist Traynor,” Shepard chuckled later that day, when he went down the CIC, “care to explain why my quarters smell like the Star Fragrance store moved up to the deck four?”*

Traynor looked at the commander with a mischievous smirk, “only if you tell me how do you even know about the Star Fragrance,” she dared.

Shepard shook his head with a quiet sigh, because the only reason he knew about the name of this store was because it was located right next to one of the Kassa Fabrication kiosks in the Presidium. And it was not at all connected to that one time when he and Kaidan ordered a bottle of massage oil from their extranet site.

***

Sometimes Shepard wondered if there was anything humane left in the thing his crew and friends decided to turn into a Mr. Potato Head. If the thing had ever suffered pain or embarrassment by being pained and tattooed. Or maybe it liked some of the things gifted to it, like the soft purple scarf, Tali wrapped around its neck.

“You quarters are pretty chilly,” she explained.

“I thought your enviro-suit had thermo regulators,” Shepard teased with a soft smile.

“It's not the point,” the quarian replied placing her hands on her hips.

Or maybe the husk head started to feel smarter after Liara brought a pair of her reading glasses, placing them over its eyes.

“You know, you were the last person I expected to participate in it.” Shepard chuckled.

Liara smiled looking at the thing, “it became sort of a tradition on the Normandy,” she said, “and I’m not the one who would ignore traditions.”

And the most important question was, if the head had ever felt lonely, spending its time in the captain’s quarters alone, while Shepard was busy on away missions. It didn't even have anything to look at but the fish - the hamster had learned not to appear in the head’s sight during the first two days of being in the same room with the husk.

And apparently Shepard wasn’t the only person pondering about it, because the next day after the though crossed his mind, a magazine in front of the husk head appeared.

It was a few months old issue of the Fornax, opened on a page with a very explicit image of an asari entangled in hanar tentacles. Shepard rolled his eyes wondering who could have come up with such an idea. And this time, Shepard though, it was impossible to tell, because it really could have been anyone from the male half of the crew, except maybe Steve.

Shepard shook his head glancing at the image the last time and pondering if he should confiscate the magazine, as it was very inappropriate to have it laying around like that. Maybe even skim through its pages... a few times.

The idea seemed very logical considering that the husk didn’t seem interested in it whatsoever, continuing staring at the commander like it was planning to eat him alive. No, Shepard decided, the thing most definitely didn't feel lonely or embarrassed. The only thing it had reflexes for, was to kill.

***

Kaidan looked at the picture from the issue of the Fornax and Shepard could swear that his major blushed. Many people who knew Kaidan for only a short period of time could get an impression that this man was a prude, but truth to be told, Kaidan was one of the most self-confident lovers the commander had ever had. That is why it was so strange to see him blushing over a porn magazine.

“Why Kaidan, I didn’t know pink tentacles going into interesting places could make you embarrassed.” Shepard chuckled.

Kaidan turned to the commander giving him a glare which was surprisingly similar to the one the husk head was giving to everyone it saw. Then he covered his face with a palm, “that’s my mag,” he whispered.

“What?” Shepard raised his eyebrow, “why are you so surprised to see it here, then?”

"Because..." the biotic scratched his nape, “just remind me to kill James,” he sighed.

Shepard gifted his lover with a questioning look.

“Yesterday, Vega came up to the crew quarters,” Kaidan started to explain, “climbed on the table and threatened that he was going to dance a striptease until someone would lend him a porn magazine. It was the off-duty hours so I couldn’t exactly pull the rank, especially when I knew that he wasn’t going to actually carry his threat out. Instead I decided to make a prank on my own and gave him the kinkiest one I had. You know, so if he would comment, I could simply laugh and call him a wuss.”

Shepard walked behind Kaidan, wrapping his arms around the biotic's waist and started to laugh into his shoulder. Well, at least the mystery of who gave the husk head the Fornax was solved.

***

“You know, Liara, it was ill-considered of you to give the husk reading glasses,” Garrus chuckled through the comm link to the Shadow Broker's office, “now I can’t put a visor on it.”

“Well, you should have acted faster,” Liara replied with a content smile.

“I mean seriously. The thing doesn’t even have hands.” The turian sighed, “I could’ve given it a gun, if it had.”

“And that would be ill-considered of  _you_.”

***

“So, Shepard, imagine Cerberus will try to take control over the ship. You run to your quarters, grab the head and throw it right into the middle of their troops.” Zaeed was explaining.

“And?”

“And the amount of the explosives I'm going to insert into it will be enough to take down a small moon.” The mercenary laughed, noticeably proud of himself.

“But it will also blow up the Normandy and the entire crew.”

Zaeed scratched his head contemplating, “damn Cerberus!” He finally groaned.

***

Shepard was crouched butt-naked in front of his locker trying to dig out a pair of his favorite boxer briefs. It was a nice black pair with a small N7 logo on the right side of their front, which his friends on Arkturus had gotten him as a prank after he accepted the invitation to the N7 program. It was also a very old pair, with a little hole under the elastic band, nearly at the condition of being thrown away. But, damn, those briefs were comfortable, holding everything that needed to be held with a perfect amount of tightness.

“Hey, Shepard, we don’t have the endless supply of hot water,” Kaidan’s voice called from another side of the bathroom door.

“One moment!” Shepard replied.

He turned to the washing bag he received back from the laundry, starting to check if it had holes. But the bag was intact and empty which meant that every piece of clothes he sent to the laundry was returned back.

Sighing, Shepard grabbed a different pair of briefs, wondering what could have happened with the one he liked so much. He decided that he would need to look around if they were lost somewhere under the bed or behind the couch, or wherever else his and Kaidan’s clothes were ending up after being unceremoniously taken off and thrown out of the way.

Before entering the bathroom, Shepard spared one glance to the unfortunate head of the husk, which since the last week obtained also a painting of a bulls-eye on the forehead made by Garrus, as he wanted to make it somehow connected with guns, a sign ‘kick me’ attached to its nape with a piece of duct tape by EDI, because ‘it was a joke’ and a paper hat made by Cortez. Even Doctor Chakwas decided to participate in this madness and placed a tumbler of brandy next to the thing. It looked like the only member of the crew who didn’t add anything to the head was Javik, who probably considered it to be fun for primitives only.

Suddenly Shepard's eyes slid back to the very first item appeared in the husk’s mouth.  Shepard could practically hear the gears turning in his head. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” he exhaled. “Kaidan!” He called out in a serious tone.

The bathroom door slid open revealing a naked biotic, who was leaning on the doorframe, looking at the commander with a sly grin. Small whiffs of steam were rising from his slightly reddened from the hot water skin, droplets of water were racing down his well-sculptured body, running over the muscles of his chest and stomach, and further down the V shape of his pelvis.

“Anything you need, commander?” He asked.

Shepard blinked desperately trying to remember what he wanted to tell. It was somehow connected to the husk head, but he didn’t really remember what it was. The commander smiled, making a step towards his major before he gently pushed him inside the bathroom, following right behind. If he couldn’t remember what he wanted to tell, it wasn’t really important.

The husk head watched angrily the bathroom door closing, then it gave an even angrier glance to the hamster who was sitting on the edge of his tank, trying to shove as many grains of the hamster feed as possible behind his cheeks. This time the hamster was ignoring every stare the head was sending him. Perhaps, if it was going to stare longer at the fish, the head decided, it would manage to finally kill them.

**Author's Note:**

> * I just made this name up.


End file.
